Since this week started impeachment hearings for President Trump, I wanted to keep things topical. I started to wonder who I could impeach in my life. What athletes....what teams...what pets that pooped in their pet and then refused to sleep in said bed until it was thoroughly cleaned (twice)...could I remove and replace?
The first answer is an easy one: Mitchell Trubstinksy. I changed his last name...because he stinks. What are the charges? Disappointing me...severely disappointing me. I defended him (in this very paper) and said he would be a very good NFL quarterback. I desperately wanted him to take the leap this year and help lead the Bears to a Super Bowl. Instead, he tripped trying to make his leap, stumbled, and fell face first into some poo. The verdict on Mitch: Guilty. His replacement: Anybody else...but maybe Cam Newton next year? Maybe? Please?
Next, I'd like to impeach Paul Chryst's offense. Before anyone gets too upset, please note that I love Paul Chryst. I think he's the best coach the Badgers have had since Barry Alvarez and is maybe the best recruiter they've had period. He does a great job getting his team ready and putting players in the best position to succeed.
But his offense feels stale and outdated. There are just some games where they can't run I-formation dives down opponent's throats (Illinois and Ohio State for example) and their passing game isn't good enough to make other teams scared, even though they have the best set of receivers maybe in school history (or at least since Lee Evans).
I would love to see a bit more of a spread offense at times with some read option with a QB who can move some. We all saw how great the Badger offense can be when Russel Wilson was there, so bring back some athleticism to the QB position and make teams worried about what could be coming.
Another impeachment would be having pitchers hit in the National League. Can we stop pretending that it's a good thing to have Justin Verland bat in the World Series? Because it's not good. Nothing is good about it. Anybody who likes it is stupid. There. I said it.
Let's get rid of this stupid farce that is pitchers hitting. The Brewers are set up well for this since they have lots of hitters, some of whom can't play defense, and it would be great to work those players in more often and avoid having Jimmy Nelson blow his shoulder out sliding back into first base and ruining his entire career. Not that I'm bitter.
Lastly, can I impeach the guy who keeps changing the Taco Bell menu around. First, bring back the smothered enchilada, you cowards. Stop trying to impress the libs with vegetarian options or "healthy menus" or other garbage. Just give me my dirty burritos, giant Mountain Dews, and occasional cinnamon twists.
In fact, put me charge of Taco Bell. I'll triple profits...probably just from spending my own salary there but I'll still do it.
Anyway, last week was rough in the picks department. I got...five games right. But one of those was the Bears! The on the upswing Bears! But...more on them later.
• Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Are the Browns good now? No. Are the Steelers good? Probably also no. But here I go...picking the Steelers. STEELERS 27, BROWNS 21.
• Dallas at Detroit: The Lions are likely going to be without Matt Stafford again, which means they will lose again. The Bears could barely exploit their bad defense--the Cowboys won't have a problem doing that. COWBOYS 28, LIONS 13.
• Jacksonville at Indianapolis: The Colts sure laid an egg last week but I think that was an anomaly rather than the norm. Also, I think the Jaguars are very average. COLTS 24, JAGUARS 20.
• Buffalo at Miami: If the Dolphins keep winning, they may screw themselves out of a nice draft pick but the Bills should be able to run enough to get a win down in Miami. BILLS 23, DOLPHINS 14.
• Denver at Minnesota: The Broncos are in true rebuild now -- the Vikings need to keep winning if they want a chance to beat Green Bay for the division. I don't see a way Denver wins here. VIKINGS 28, BRONCOS 13.
• New Orleans at Tampa Bay: The Saints also laid an egg last week but are too good of a team to lay a second egg in a row. The Bucs are stinky on offense and Jameis Winston loves to throw picks, so I'll expect a New Orleans win. . SAINTS 27, BUCS 17.
• NY Jets at Washington: Washington is terrible. And their owner is a bad human. If he could lose every game for the rest of his life that would satisfy me. JETS 23, WASHINGTON 13.
• Atlanta at Carolina: Where did that Falcons effort come from last week? The Panthers are coming off a tough loss to Green Bay but should be ready for a division battle. Sidenote: What was Ron Rivera doing going for two in that Packer game? In what world does that make any sense? PANTHERS 27, FALCONS 21.
• Houston at Baltimore: Game of the week here with Lamar Jackson against Deshaun Watson. It should be a great game...not so great knowing that the Bears could have drafted Watson. HaveI ever mentioned that? Ever? RAVENS 24, TEXANS 23.
• Arizona at San Francisco: The 49ers aren't as good as their record but the Cardinals aren't good enough to beat them on the road. San Fran will be a January paper tiger with their record...you heard it here first. 49ERS 27, CARDINALS 17.
• Cincinnati at Oakland: The Bengals are the new Dolphins, aka the worst team in the NFL. RAIDERS 23, BENGALS 10.
New England at Philadelphia: The Bears should have beaten the Eagles. That doesn't bode well for Philly with the Patriots in town. PATRIOTS 31, EAGLES 21.
• Chicago at LA Rams: Are...are the Bears back? The Lions aren't great, but we did see three TDs from Trubs. The Bears were able to shut down the Rams last season and LA is battling a number of injuries. Am...am I going to do this? Am I? OK. I did it. BEARS 23, RAMS 21.
• Kansas City at LA Chargers: The Chargers are heartbreakers. The Chiefs are coming off a bad loss. They won't lose two in a row, especially against a divisional opponent. CHIEFS 30, CHARGERS 20.